There is something seriously wrong with your mental health..........
There are telephone help lines and people you can talk to about what is really bothering you young man, you dont have to tell them your name, its confidential and perhaps you may find it helpfull.
There's nothing wrong with having the courage to face your problem, but, there is something wrong with hidding behind a facade when every one can see through it. Get help, it will serve you better and perhaps get you out of this maniacal train of thought. No one here really cares if you do or not, but, you should.
Have a nice day and go F-- yourself